she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
