If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
