I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
