Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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