i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
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