I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
