dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
