this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
