So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
