Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Randomize
