turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
