a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
