John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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