dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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