Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
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