if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
