but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
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