WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
