More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
