oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
