If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
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