Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
