and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I'm way too hungover for life right now
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
