Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Randomize
