I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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