When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
