broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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