The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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