The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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