when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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