So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
