dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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