he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
We had sex on a dog bed..
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
