I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
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