My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
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