Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
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