So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
