i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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