You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
