It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
