we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
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