also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
