I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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