Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
