I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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