I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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