ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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