Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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