I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Randomize
