also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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