watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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